Rachel

Looking Ahead

person writing on white book
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I have been thinking about the “end” of this blog project. We began on September 20 last year and hoped to go for a year. There’s still month and a half left, so part of me wonders why I’m rushing ahead to think about ending. Is it because of the back-to-school displays in the stores? The constant, obsessive forward-looking gaze of capitalism that is always pressing us to ask, What else? What more? What next?

The thought—it’s almost over!—is motivating me to want to write. What more is there to say? What can I see better now than I could last September? Did it “work”? (Did I practice more yoga? Did Kajal write more? Did the practices enhance each other? How did the collaboration go?)

Now is my favorite time of night. Pre-dinner (and someone else is making the dinner!) It feels like a moment when—sometimes— I can think more clearly than at any other point except first thing in the morning. My view gets wider. Certain items have been checked off the To Do list, and others remain there, nagging, but the nagging feels weaker, the volume turned down.

(BTW, there are ads on this site, regrettably. I guess that is because we are not paying for the blog. Maybe in my next project I’ll pay to get rid of the ads. For now, forgive me. Somebody owns WordPress, and that company has to make money somehow, I suppose.)

I have decided to try to post here every day through September 19. Gretchen Rubin’s books irritate me a bit (the unacknowledged privilege, the endless free time), but the advice about how blogging every day is easier than 4x/week makes sense. It is like exercise. Instead of wondering—Should I write today or not? Should I practice yoga today or not?—you just do it, every day, it is just part of your day, effortless, or accomplished with great exertion, but before you turn the lights out, you will do it.

This didn’t post, so now I’m at a different moment, after dinner, younger child asleep, husband watching obnoxiously loud Practical Jokers. (Somehow the plan for him to watch with bluetooth headphones didn’t pan out – they are never charged!—an item on the To Do list always left undone.) There’s a little bit more work I had planned/hoped to do, and laundry, and soon my energy will drop precipitously. Part of me hates to admit it after 10 years playing guitar and bass and singing in bands, but I really am a morning person. I am trying to “own” it. (Meanwhile my son is playing monopoly with a friend visiting from Virginia and my husband is asking, “When does it end? When does it end? That game can go on forever.”)

—Rachel

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One thought on “Looking Ahead

  1. I love the last paragraph of this so much. There’s such an honesty to your writing always, but your return here, in a new moment, and the visual of never-ending Monopoly (monotonous monopoly…capitalism and endings…yes yes!) and real life…the chores and the exhaustion, it is all so beautifully described here. An absolutely perfect way to close these thoughts. xxoo

    Like

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